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I have to meet with the lawyer Thursday the 17th to settle Mom's will. I am in the second month of my RLT. BOTH my sisters will also have to be there, and they are religiously dead set against me being myself, that is to say, Cathy.
My problem is this. Do I go as I am, and watch the two of them embarrass themselves and show themselves to not be the real Christians they believe themselves to be, by their judgment of me, and deal with their scorn and likely verbal abuse...or I do what I don't WANT to do, and doff Cathy in favor of my old, hated male persona, just to keep peace this one last time?
I'll likely never have to deal with either of my sisters, face to face, again in the foreseeable future, barring some catastrophic injury to a family member, so do I run Cathy's flag up the flagpole and force the two of them to salute it, or do I make the sacrifice, one last time, and pretend to be Keith?
I really don't want a confrontation with them, but at the same time, they need, I think, to be confronted with the reality that I am NOT that male family member they thought I was.
It troubles me no end, to know that my supposedly intelligent sisters have allowed themselves to be blinded by religious dogma and the fear of being embarrassed by their 'going to hell' sibling. We have always, all my life, been very close, always able to kid with one another and just be siblings. I DO love them, no matter the outcome of all of this, but can I just drop out of my RLT, even if only for a couple of hours, without damaging the progress I've made over the last month or so?
I'm really torn about this and I value your intelligent input, all of you. Through this whole, strange trip of mine into TS land, all of you have always been there for me with good advice, warnings about possible pitfalls, encouragement, and accepting, understanding love.
Now I'm asking for your help and sound advice once again. What the HELL do I do?
huggles from a very unsure,
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
Be yourself
There is no future gain by appeasing the two, and you have a right to be true to yourself. You are not responsible for their mental health, but you are responsible for your own. I'd say your path is obvious.
KJT
"Being a girl is wonderful and to torture someone into that would be like the exact opposite of what it's like. I don’t know how anyone could act that way." College Girl - poetheather
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
I can't tell you what to do
In my own case, a beloved aunt died during my transition period. I did not attend the funeral out of respect for my aunt's family who did not need the distraction I would present.
A few years later, my father died and I stepped forward as eldest and arranged the funeral, wrote the service and read a poem I had written for Dad, all as "Wanda" (not the name I use in real life). But I had the support of my sibs, my mother, several cousins and the deacon of our church who was my Dad's good friend.
Our situations are too different for me to advise. I'm not very confrontational and I suppose if I had someone I trusted to represent my interests, I would send that person and avoid the conflict.
I'm so sorry I can't be more help, Cathy, because I know the pain this sort of thing causes. I cried for days when my aunt died and I'm teary now thinking about not saying goodbye the way I wanted to.
She never knew about my transition but I'm sure she would have just laughed and invited me to help in the kitchen as her daughters have done. Aunt Em, I miss you.
Good luck, Cathy, whatever you decide to do. ;>
{{{;>
Wanda
You have to be YOU!
And SCREW what they think of you or how they behave! Show YOUR colors and YOURSELF to the lawyer and let them misbehave. Who the heck cares what the world thinks of you? BE YOU! They are no more Christian than terrorists are Muslim. So go there as Cathy and be yourself!!!!!!!
You need to be You sometime in this life Cathy, why keep hiding? who are you protecting?
Sephrena Lynn Miller
BigCloset TopShelf
One And A Half Cents Worth
I think you have shown remarkable courage and so far your RLT seems to have gone very well. For what it's worth, from someone who never had your fortitude, stick with your chosen path. You may be in for a couple of hours of mental anguish, but then it will be over and you will have triumphed one more time,
Hugs,
Joanne
Advice
I'm reminded of a famous quote. I forget the author but it was used in the movie Dead poets society.
"This above all, to thyn own self be true."
No matter what you do, your sisters are no going to be all that agreeable. Just be yourself, and know that we are here for you.
Jessica Marie
Cathy, we both know I am a little loopy, but...
I actually tried to begin living as a man for my children a ways into my transition and in a couple days, I felt so crushed that...well I could not keep it up. As a concession, perhaps you could dress a little butch. :)
If you recall, I would not wear pants at all for the first 3 years. I'd rather have sucked a maggot up my nose.
Many transwomen wear pants a lot, so if you're wearing pants and a cotton shirt, other than shoes and a little makeup, what do they have to bitch about? At this point, they may bitch even if you cut your head off. I am not at all sure that you could please them other than get on your hands and knees and beg forgiveness.
Of course, I did that and ain't seen hide ner hair of em yet.
In the final analysis, it is up to you babe..
Gwendolyn
I'm with Gwen
Cathy I agree with Gwen. You can dress perhaps a little nicer than you do for work. Maybe slacks rather than jeans given the occasion. Not so Fem you rub their noses in it, but as who you are, Cathy. We have talked and chatted and I've never known you so centered and happy since Cathy has come out to stay. Be who you are. The final decision is yours but I wish you the best no matter what.
Big hugs from us both
Grover and Paula
Will they be unpleasant in any case?
If you go dressed as a man, will they behave? Or will they treat you badly all the same?
You can't change who you are..
You are who you are...it is up to them to deal with it. You just be yourself, act in an adult manner with the lawyer and if they are not civil, ignore them. You could also find two very nice round stones, and if they start to give you grief, then give them each a stone and see if they are really good Christians (explain the reference to them if you have to).
If you don't measure yourself by THEIR opinions of you, then they have no power over you.
Hugs
Alexis
go as you are
Cathy,
Just go as you are if they are so against you they will be against even if you dress as you once was. They already know you are going through RLT so they are not going to change their minds anyways. If they are Catholic then you can count on them contesting the will because they consider you an afront to their religion. It will not be easy what ever you do.
It is time for once in your life to be happy no matter what anyone else says
jenna from FL.
Hugs,
Jenna From FL
Moderator/Editor
TopShelf BigCloset
It is a long road ahead but I will finally become who I should be.
It depends
In my opinion, if it is just the lawyer's office, then you do what you prefer. However, for the funeral itself, it depends on whether the rest of the family is there. I personally attended the funerals of both of my parents ( who died 9 months apart ) in drag ( as a guy. ) Keeping in mind that I have already been full-time 10 years, it did not fool many people as I looked like a lesbian in a suit *shrug*. Which in my case, I think I did not lie did I :). But I did try I guess. It was damn uncomfortable of course.
However, after what I thought was my duty has been discharged, I will under no circumstances go back. My brother has not talked to me since or suggested we get together again since either ( this has been about 9 years now. ) Unfortunately ( or fortunately ? ) we are co-owners of my parent's home so I can not just say f**k it and ignore my brother for the rest of my life.
Point is, there is no pleasing everybody. If you plan on being yourself soon, appeasing them for this meeting is just deferring the inevitable. And if you don't plan on seeing them again anyway, who cares ?
Just my 2p worth.
Kim
I think the answer is
in the fact your doing RLT.Rlt is to see if your capable of living as a woman full time 24/7.That means thru the good, the bad, and the ugly.Your sisters have no right to impose their personal will on you and in turn you need to see if your capable of dealing with all the situations you find yourself in from the female perspective.Dress accordingly and good luck.Amy
Win the battle, lose the war?
Catherine,
First, I am sorry for your loss. This has to be difficult enough without your sibs running interferance.
If your presentation makes no difference one way or another to the settling of your Mom's will, then by all means be yourself. On the other hand if it does and I cannot fathom how it could, then do not shoot yourself in the foot, But either way, whatever you do, do it for yourself.
No matter how much hell your sibs raise, their discomfort and issues are their own and only occur to them when they think of you, for you your issues are every waking moment. Appeasing them only strengthens their case.
What to do?
Difficult, very difficult.
A friend of mine had a blazing row with his brother, and before they could make up, his brother had a heart attack and died. The friend says he still stands by every word he said, but will forever regret not making up.
For what it's worth, I'd say choose the action that leads to fewest regrets. I can't even begin to suggest which course is right for you, but don't take on a load of guilt that will weigh you down for years.
Just Be Who You Are
If you have gone through the official name change in the courts, then by law, you are permitted to present as the person that you are now. You will undoubtedly, have to sign legal documents in your new identity anyway. Your mother is passed on to a better place and you really don't owe your sisters any measure of respect because of the way they have treated you. Respect is a two way street. If they want you to respect them, then they need to afford you the same consideration. Since they are unwilling to do so, you don't owe them anything. Life is too short not to be happy! If they could see the difference in you since you have started to show your trueself, then maybe in time, they can understand that you are much happier. In the end, love is all that really matters. I hope that time can heal your family.
Hugs,
Jenn
Cathy - Please Make a Logical Decision
So many of the answers given so far are emotion driven. Emotions are okay, but some situations call for logic.
Religious decisions are often emotion driven. Some call emotional religious decisons "an expression of faith". Some call those same decision "illogical nonsense". You know the difference.
Cathy -- what you need to do is start from the outcomes you want from your meeting, and then make your decision about your presentation based on what will best help you reach those outcomes.
What's right and wrong has little to do between the causal relationship of what you want and how you must present yourself to achieve that (those) goal (s).
Prioritize your goal (s) because some may conflict with the others. When two goals conflict the most important goal will carry the logical decision.
A day ago I told an aspiring author about how amazing you were in getting the bookstore to let you have a signing. I told him that took a person who is one in a million. That's you Cathy, one in a million. Now dig into your heart and figure out what you want. You are the person who knows how to get what you want.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
From someone, you'll know who...
I absolutely refuse to cry while saying this, but I can only give you the advice that I think you'd get from that special person you wish could respond (and I don't mean your mom). Ultimately I think the message would have been along the lines of Screw Them, Be Yourself!
Your Mom supported you in your endeavors near the end... I'm sure she wouldn't want you to hide.
-Piper
I actually LIKE image SIGs!
Real Life
This is your Real Life Test, Cathy. And, need I point out that this is real life?
You make it through this, and you should be able to make it through anything.
Hang in there, Girl. We're rooting for you!
Failing the Test
Let me just add, in case I was too subtle about it, that if you do not stick to your full-time status, you basically fail your test. The way I see it, having started your Real Life Test, if you're the least bit serious about transitioning, you have no choice in the matter. You will go as Cathy. Regardless of the complications, the feelings of others, what-f*ckin'-ever!
The choice couldn't be simpler: there is no choice.
absolutes
While your motive is to inspire and encourage, Friend Pippa;
imagine what effect such a pronouncement would have on someone
who did---through a moment of cowardice, or perhaps weighing of factors
we haven't been made aware of---decide to take the route of deception, capitulation
and attend this meeting in boy drag. I suggest that a single lapse is not absolute failure.
The model that comes to mind is recovering alchoholics. I've seen too many declare
themselves failures after an imperfect record of abstainance, and grow dispirited,
and slide on down the drain, when a failure need not have spelled total Failure.
So while I do hope Cathy is able to be herself through this encounter with her
dreadfully judgemental & ignorant sisters, if she didn't, I would hope that she
wouldn't lose faith in herself and the potentials of her new life, but get
back on that bike and try it again. Good luck Cathy, we're with you!
Be strong, but don't despair if your strength isn't always perfect.
~~~hugs, Laika
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
what to do
by starting RLT you are saying to the world. This is who I am. 24 hours a day 7 days a week... even if it rains or is really really hot.
In my very not so humble opinion... once started RLT must be committed to. No matter the obstacle. You are you and that you is female. Do the football metaphor... put your shoulder down, tuck your chin in and CHARGE and pray nobody makes a penalty on the play.
Now you know what I would do. Should you do it? Its 100% up to you. I can only tell you there will be other times when there is more of a reason to hide... you must not retreat! You are you and you can't change that.
Dayna.
ps. Just had another thought. If you concede to their wishes now... they may expect it of you later. Also your mom won't change the will now...so other than displeasing your sisters they cannot alter your mom's wishes. If they make a fuss, the Executor may ask THEM to leave.
Imagery
Is there a more feminine way of putting that? It just seems too ironic to use a macho sports metaphor to tell her not to pretend to be male. Maybe do the shopping metaphor... reach into the bargain bin with both hands and when you find the perfect blouse and it's in your size and your colors, don't let some pushy bitch pull it out of your grasp. You've earned it; let her get her own. Just hope she doesn't rip it out of spite.
Talk First to the Lawyer
Cathy, will this be a surprise to the lawyer who is handling your Mother's will? I think it would be wise to clue him or her in before the meeting on Thursday. Probably a phone call will be enough. Among other things, the lawyer should know that your mom was aware of your transgender situation and your decision to present to the world as a woman, and accepted it lovingly. Tell the lawyer that your sisters have not reached that point and perhaps they never will; consequently there may be some unpleasantness on their part. Finally, emphasize that you expect the lawyer to manage any such outbursts professionally, that is, not to tolerate them. He or she can explain that if you are legally Cathy and can prove that Cathy and the person mentioned in the will are the same, probate law doesn't give a damn how you choose to present yourself. Good luck and hugs, Daphne
Daphne
Angela and Daphne have it I think,, good ideas the rest, though
In an ideal World I'd ram your femininity up your pompous sisters asses but that may not be the best approach -- snicker –
Do contact the lawyer ahead of time to be safe, maybe bring a witness to the meeting, a lawyer friend would be best.
Why do they hate you? Have you declared you’re new sexual identification in front of their church’s members on an Easter Sunday service? Have you seduced their husbands? If you’ve been discrete, forget the bastards, sorry, the bitches, and be you.
Damned if you do damned if you don’t, dear Cathy.
Best wishes .
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Catherine, Whatever you do,
Catherine,
Whatever you do, don't give in to your sisters. Please stop clobbering Christians as though they all have the same agenda. Your sisters apparently are not well versed in the
Bible. Learn to forgive them, it is a lot easier than you think.
I had just written along letter and asI got set to preview it my cat pounced on my key board, I lost my complete train of thought.
What I had said was YOU need to be YOU. Pick out a dress, get your hair done, arrive at the settling of the will as though you've been among your siblings in the attire many times before. It is time they have met their sister and she is you.
If you give in now, you'll never find true happiness as you'll lament not doing what you really wanted to do, that is be yourself among others.
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Don't give them what they want
I agree with most here when I say, be yourself.
The one thing that comes to mind with this is if you go in as your old self, that gives them even more ammo to throw at you. Even though they do not support you and your quest to be yourself, they may not hesitate to point out the fact that you are not sticking to your true self.
My experience with people like this is that, regardless of what they claim is the reason for not supporting you, they will use anything and everything to prove that you are wrong and they are right. If you give in to their prejudices and go as your old self, they may interpret that to mean that you are not serious in your quest. That very thing happened to me in somewhat similar circumstances.
Stephanie
Call the Lawyer's office
You are you. Your RLT is important to you. That is obvious. It also appears that you are, despite statements to the contrary, concerned about this settlement becoming about YOU instead of resolving your mom's will.
I would sugget contacting the Lawyer in advance, and explain your situation and where you are. Then, ask his advise. Hopefully he will be a professional about the whole thing. Once you have his advise, sit back and think hard about it, and what is more important to YOU.
A lot of possibilities exist. It is possible, that with the Lawyer's support and professionalism, your sisters reaction will be muted, and they'll actually have a chance to meet YOU, and pave the way for future reconciliation. The reverse is possible as well. So many possibilities. But, I really believe that if you can get the support of the Lawyer, your options are improved.
One last point. From personal experience, taking a step back from the RLT is painful. It makes further retreats easier (in the short term). Not because you don't believe, but because society makes it easier. *sighs*
Good Luck, whatever your decision.
Annette