Ever since I joined BC I've had this nagging feeling that I'm just wearing a mask when I'm saying anything on here. I know I'm not but, it feels that way. Sometimes I feel that I'm living a lie even though I'm not. If you know even the slightest about me you'd know I had it rough growing up. What you guys didn't know though is that I didn't really get to fully transition until after High School because nobody in my family supported me besides my grandparents. School for me was Hell! I was always jealous of the cheerleaders because I wanted to be there but I knew I never could be because of my small stature and the fact I had to present myself as male when I was in school. For those who are curious I'm 4'7 91 lbs so if I ever were to be a cheerleader I'd be getting tossed which scares me. I came out about my issues early and the girls in primary school took me under their wing but when we all went to middle school, I was alone in the school I went to. I tried Suicide in 7th grade because I felt like I'd never be who I wanted to be. I ended up in a Psych ward for a week and that's when I found out the reason for my feelings. While I was in there therapists were trying to get me to open up but I couldn't do it because I felt that if I did it'd lead to even more suffering. It was my grandma who finally got me to realize that I needed to open up or I'd be back in here again. So with my grandma by my side I finally came out of the closet about my wanting to be a girl. I knew my parents wouldn't help me so I didn't tell them at that point but my grandma did and all hell broke loose. I wound up living with my grandparents while I finished school. In my junior year of high school I had a mental breakdown and wound up in the psych ward again. They wound up saying I was overwhelmed with my gender issues, having to live with my grandparents, school and my job at the time. Once I got out I decided to look into being team manager for the cheerleaders. I found out they had been looking for one for a few years and I offered to do it. I knew most of the squad anyway from Elementary so they really didn't fuss over me too much when they found out I was team manager. What I didn't expect to happen though came in my senior year, I had been on HRT for about a year at that point and the girls on the squad took notice of my breasts and one of them asked me if I was a tomboy(the one that asked was a freshmen) and I just kindly explained that I have a condition that happens commonly in Male puberty that causes breasts to form. She believed it because her older brother had the same thing so she said. Back to what I wanted to say though, the girls were practicing their routines and on one routine they did a thing where they toss someone in the air and basket catch them so to speak. Well this time the throw went haywire and the girl that was thrown went flying sideways and she hit the wall hard. She had to be rushed to the hospital and ended up surviving but walks with a cane now. So with her out the squad was in a bit of a jam. Most of the girls knew about my condition at the time and the captain(Who btw lived next door to my grandparents) asked me to her house after practice one night and we talked for hours but at one point she says to me "I know about your aspirations growing up to be one of us. You said so at one of my parties growing up."

I cut her off there saying "You don't have to say anymore, I've been asked already and my answer is no."

She then says to me "I know about your fear as well, and it was made worse after the accident. You're the only one who could pull this off for us."

I responded by saying "I was hoping it didn't come to this."

She then hugged me and said "Don't deny it, I know how much you wanted to wear the uniform."

We then made an agreement that I would do it but under a different name and say that I started at a boarding school for my final year. I ended up going to school my senior year as a girl. The school was ok with it as they already knew about my issues beforehand.

The rest of the year went by scot free and we won the state competition by a country mile.

I was planning on skipping prom because dances are not my thing plus I wouldn't have had the money for the dress and everything associated with it. When the squad got together talking about prom word got out that I wasn't going because I couldn't afford it. The captain of the squad knew I had other reasons for not going but didn't say anything.

One of the seniors parents was pretty wealthy and I went with her and her parents dress shopping mainly for morale support. Me and her mom were talking and she asked me what I was wearing for prom and I explained that I wasn't going because of the reasons I stated earlier but also adding that because of my size any dress I'd find would make me look like a young child.

After that I ended up going outside because I didn't want to be seen crying over this. In truth I wanted to go to prom but I knew it wasn't possible because of my size. Her mom came out and sat by me and wrapped her arms around me and said "If you really want to go we'll help you."

I declined saying I didn't want any charity.

She then says "Don't think of it as charity, just think of it as a gift to you.

I ended up going along with it and I did end up going to prom albeit I went stag.

Nobody really wanted to dance with me so I just stuck around the cheerleaders and I just talked the night away.

I didn't go to post prom(after party basically) because it felt pointless to me. I walked home that night and as I'm walking I start to think about myself as a person and I realize that I finally feel at ease.

My graduation day was nothing special, I was Saludictorian but that didn't really matter to me as that was just a meaningless title to me.

I moved a couple hours from home to go to college and currently i'm a junior in college. As some of you may know I'm engaged with my fiance whom I won't name because I don't want anything dumb to happen