Bailey Summers

Masks Chapter 41

Masks Chapter 41

Chapter 41

*Before…

I look at her. “We can come with.”

She looks nervous. “You guys don’t have to.”

I look at her and slip over and give her a hug. “Hey it’ll be okay it’ll give everyone two targets instead of like one.”

Mary Jane says. “Three, safety in numbers from the whole parental scrutiny thing, cause that happens when they start talking.”

She bites her lip and she nods. “Okay.”

I smile my own little shaky smile. “Besides I kinda gotta go, I want to kind of have people like actually meet me before Halloween.”

“What’s going on with Halloween?”

“Uhm…I’m coming out.”

Okay Mandy’s jaw drop was worth it.

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 14

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 14

*Before…

“So they are camped close?”
He looks at us and he nods. “It’s the only explanation; there must be a murderhole close by.”
I look at him. “A murderhole?”
Hawk was drinking from one of our skins and she passes it to me. I take it and drink. It’s wild cherry wine from one of the places we were at. The liquor is welcome.
“Goblins live in the mountains, or under them, they hate the sunlight it hurts their eyes so they live in the darkness and in caves. We usually end up following their ranges and know where their territories are at but every once in a while they’ll dig, they’ll join cavern to cavern to underground streams and the like until they can get passed our lines and then they’ll amass a large raiding force…that place is called a murderhole.”
I take a few more drinks but pass it back because my body is wanting me to drink it all and that wouldn’t be a good idea. I look at the others. “So what do we do? Do we go and track them? Do we look to our wounds and the horses? Do we move as fast as we can and try and warn others?”

*And Now…

Don’t Blame Me I’m A Martian-34

Don’t Blame Me I’m A Martian-34

Chapter 34

*Serra…

It’s been days maybe a week it’s hard with everything that they have us going through with the noises and the lights and anything and everything to try and to keep me off center to tell time, to keep in sync with my bodies clock.

But it doesn’t matter.

Little by little I’ve been working at doing things, like building a Kaltra.

Eldorado part 6.

Eldorado…Part 6.

*Before…

I come out and she and Daniel are there waiting and I sort of blush at them being so close to such a personal thing and all but they don’t mention things and soon we’re show to our quarters. They’re small, just enough for our things and a folding cot from the wall but it is private.

I look at Daniel and I see him blush as I do as we likely had the same idea. That these beds will not be comfortable to make love in or on.

She catches the look and then she’s looking at Daniel with this look of …oh really…and it’s the oh really you slept with her too look.

I look at her trying to be a straight shooter. “We did, I hope that that won’t be a problem will it?”

*And Now…

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 13

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 13

*Before… Elizabetha Lyonnes

It all happens so fast doesn’t it?

One part of the night I was tired and bored to tears listening to my sisters bicker Angeline chastising Gracia for her flirtations and her demeanor. I’m good with words and myself for my usual.

“Elizabetha don’t slouch.”

“Elizabetha pay attention.”

“Elizabetha put away that book.”

Pfft gods and goddesses that. I hate that or hated it…given how everything had happened, has happened? I can’t help it that I am clever and that I am clever for a girl and that I have more interest in books and tool and the hows and why’s of the world then who was wearing what and what kind of lace so and so was wearing or just as bad who was buying what.

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 12

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 12

*Before…

It’s kind of fun breaking these old class rules.

It’s very fun when we’re slowly starting to mix the two styles together…a few more turns, use the circle to switch a partner to the right and add a clap after the snaps as we step back towards our partners.

And then it’s late and the lights are burning low when the fiddles and violas start singing out that up close and personal waltz music and I’m finding myself really close and hands holding hands with Alaan once again and he’s…he’s very, very handsome and I’m feeling…and he’s so large, bigger than me in this good way and he’s smiling just from having fun but he’s looking at me…he’s looking at me in a way that makes me want to blush and makes me want to want things.

And then he makes me twirl.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 26-30

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 26

*Before…

And we’re both like looking at each other and the feeling of remembering or like déjà vu is like so super strong.

We’re both totally doing the mouth drop stare at each other.

And we both do the Jinx thing…twice.

And we both do. “You owe me a Tim’s.”

And my…my heart is breaking in a good way from the familiarity thing.

My heart is breaking in this amazing way because…because she and I we just did this…it wasn’t a fluke.

This is something that we did!

I…Sarah have like real history with someone and she’s doing the same kind of freaking out in a good way as we’re looking at each other and she’s getting it…and tearing up over it and my hand’s coming up to my mouth in that happy sobby thing and Kaitlyn’s doing that happy waving crying arm flapping thing.

“Oh holy crap Sarah it’s there! You’re there!”

(Happy double sobs.)

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 25

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 25

*Before…

“You don’t seem like the sort of girl that’d be a fake friend even in stealth mode. This is why we still need to work Sarah…it’s still there, it surfaced in medical Imaging at least partway in a flashback.”

(Sniffle.) “This sucks.”

“Yeah, it does but you’re going to get through it.”

(Sniffle.) “I am?”

She points past my shoulder and Dad’s there in his jeans and his jacket and he’s giving me this look, it’s that kind of sort of look that you’d honestly only get if you were someone’s kid.

Yep more tears.

He comes over and he slides onto the bed and he puts his arm around my shoulder and he pulls me close and I sort of turn so I can hug him and hold onto him and start to cry.

“I love you Sarah, honestly and truly kiddo…and I will get you through this.”

His arms tighten and it’s suddenly me safe with my Dad.

Yep…sooo crying right now.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 24

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 24

*Before…

It’s an hour and a half past visiting hours by the time we’re done watching the movies and we’re all yawning and stretching and stuff and we head downstairs to leave or rather they are and I walk them downstairs mostly to get the aches from the bed and sitting for so long out and stuff.

We hug and promise to talk online and stuff later and I watch them get into their cars and stuff.

Danny has his license apparently and he’s driving this old, really old cutlass cruiser station wagon…that’s Oldsmobile I think it’s such a beater but it kind of suits him.

Sigh…What a really, really good night.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 23

Hopscotch… A Jump Through Life 23

*Before…

I hear some clapping from the doorway and I look up to see Danny and Jo-Beth with some bags of stuff. And Danny’s grinning and he looks different than his pictures but not, he’s beefed up some since a lot of them by like maybe ten or fifteen pounds of like muscle by the looks of his arms and he’s got a haircut too.

And Jo-Beth who’s clapping all happy like is well…she’s short like five four but she’s got longer hair than her pictures sort of show on her Facebook page and she’s really curvy too like with the sexy hips and she has these really huge boobs.

And I’m kind of feeling a little shy and stuff and I’m biting my lower lip a little and stuff.

“Hey…you guys came.”

Danny grins holding up a big take out bag from MacDonald’s. “And I brought ice cream.”

Kaitlyn squees. “Yay Ice Cream!”

Wow Danny…he looks at her and he looks like he was kind of just hit by a truck.

(Giggles)

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 22

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 22

*Before…

Mom takes Dad’s hand and she kisses him and she leads him out of my room and I look at Kaitlyn and she sort of blushes under the scrutiny and bites her lower lip a little and we sort of do that intense stare at each other thing before the tears are building up in my eyes and I start to cry and…

“Thank you, thank you for just like dropping your life and coming…” (Sniffle.)

She gives me that head tilty really light up the day kind of pretty smile and she reaches up and she thumbstrokes some of the tears that are starting away from my face.

I’m happy crying still some and just emotionally crying too and I’m shaking a little because I’ve never had anyone do that to me before and my brain’s in like good shock?

“You’re my friend Sarah of course I’d come.”

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 21

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 21

*Before…

It was sort of scary dealing with them and at the same time it was just all sorts of cool.

He has Mom sign the stuff for charges to be pressed if and when they can and he leaves with the police officer.

The town police officer was kind of quiet, I’m not sure what he was thinking or if it was like about me or me being trans or not. I really couldn’t tell and I don’t know if that’s just me in my head or it’s just a police thing.

I sigh and double hand hold my coffee as they’re done and Mom and Dr. Johansson are looking at me. “You want to go for a walk and clear out the ughs from all of this?”

I take a breath and a sip then nod. “I think so, okay let’s go.”

Mom slips her arm around my back and we head out to do a few rounds round the hospital with her and my therapist.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 20

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 20

*Before…

They all kind of are gone after that and I’m kind of just sitting there wiping the odd tear leaking out of kind of like relief. There’s some more answers and there’s people that kind of sort of know me and stuff but more importantly they want to know me.
Sarah me…Well I think I mean that they mean me; the whole thing was on Shawn’s page and all.
And Adam…wow…Shawn stood at least for something.
I really can’t like see me being brave though, crazing and wanting to get hurt maybe but brave?
Though it’s kind of nice to know that Shawn wasn’t like an ass to people.
And I am tired…and tomorrow is likely going to be a busy day and things.
I wipe at my eyes again and power down and close my laptop and try and get comfortable and get some sleep before Mom or the staff show up for stuff tomorrow.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 19

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 19

*Before…

“Yes, if that’s the rumors that you’ve been hearing then it’s true. I’m transgender. I always have been but with most of everything that was Shawn kind of broken and gone now there was all of this stuff that I was hiding from all of you and my family and yeah really likely myself.”

Well that’s done.

I go back to looking through my Facebook and going through old posts and shares and even looking into the accounts of the people that I have on my friends lists and what they’ve been acting like or saying and stuff.

Maybe there’s some people that I can talk to, some that might talk to me.

But those other three…they’re not friends so yeah…Blocking…Banhammer time.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 18

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 18

*Before…

And now…now I have what happens after a girl is done crying.

I’m hurt.

I’m hurt and I’m angry.

I get out of the shower and I dry off and glare at myself a few moments in the mirror before going and getting my things, dry underwear and change and dry there…eyes hard…jaw clenched through that.

Then I get my tablet and start playing tunes…Pink…angry stuff girl power kind of stuff and I start looking at myself in the mirror and take out my make-up and with a breath and leaning on the sink gripping it in a sort of eff-you to all of them I start doing my face.

“Fuck you…fuck you all (Angry sniffle.) I’m going to be who I am…and you’ll have to just deal with it.”

I’m going to do this, and keep doing this until I’m good at it, better than good at it.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 17

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 17

*Before…

We eat and watch Stardust on my laptop since apparently it was in the DVD drive as if that wasn’t like telling and even the parents raised an eyebrow at that and made me blush and soon after that they have to head home with their actual RL stuff going on and everything like work and Dad has a long drive to go and get Nova…Uhm Kaitlyn tomorrow and me…well I start going through my laptop trying to figure out just exactly what Shawn was like and where Sarah was hiding in all of the stuff here.

It’s thanks to password saves on my Firefox that I get into Shawn’s Facebook and E-mails.

Oh…that was a mistake.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 16

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 16

*Before…

“Yes and if you can do without your mom and I for a while tomorrow we’re going to drive down and pick her up so we can actually meet her parents instead of talking to them on the phone and online.”
I can’t help it but I end up hugging him and he hugs me back.
And there it is the sniffles. (Sniffle.) “You guys are awesome, you sure it’s okay?”
He gives me a bit of a tighter squeeze that sort of sets off what the Doc just said about all of the stuff that they must have gone through with me and everything. It really, really means a whole hell of a lot that he and that she cares so much.
That he’s hugging me like hugging me is special.
……me…special.
Y’know it’s one of those visceral feelings more than anything else but it feels like feeling like I’m special was something that was pretty far removed from my life before this.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 15

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 15

*Before…
She heads back into the office and I look at Mom and Dad. “One of my friends wants to come here and visit and that might mean that she’ll be staying at our place if she’s allowed to…so…can she come over?”
Dad and Mom look at each other and Dad says. “We need to talk to her parent’s first kiddo.”
I nod. “I have their contact info here.”
I bring it up and show Dad who writes it down and he smiles. “Going to Tim’s you want anything?”
“A double-double?”
“Okay.”
He leaves and Mom stays and I hug her then I knock on the Doc’s office door then head inside to set her up with her own LJ account.

*And Now…

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 11

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 11

Chapter 11

*Before…

I smile and pull the length of chain to myself and my “wand” and he’s staring at me and there’s a smile and a nod.
“Ye got thet right.”
I smile. “You’re not scared?”
“Ye came in and ye helped save me an mine before Sir Alaan did that says a lot about ye. I think I can trust ye.”
“Thank you and you’re sure you don’t mind me doing this?”
“Nay ‘side I kin say I knew ye when ye were just learning yer craft and maybe be even a little bit famous t’boot.”
“Well thank you Master Smith it’s nice to be so highly thought of.”
“Ye kin call me Aiden.”
“Chrissy.”
“Oh nay yer high born I can tell thet much.”
“No, I was wealth born there’s no man or woman that should be set above another.”
Eight days or so ago and a boyhood away I didn’t even know that much about life to even say that and now.
Now it just feels right.

*And Now…

X-Why-Me?...Chapter 20

X-Why-Me?… Chapter 20

Chapter 20

*Before…

Kira acts tough but that was likely because she had to.

Very much faking until you make it.

Emily reached up and took her hands and hung onto the arms that were around her like clasping onto the blanket she had and she lean back and into her.

“I can’t help it Kira, I can’t you’re just easy to love.”

There was a sniffle and she felt Kira laying her head on her shoulder and she tilted hers until they were resting like that together.

They’d just taken a whole bunch of little opening up steps with each other but they were important ones.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 14

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 14

*Before…

I actually journal that last bit as a kinda sorts update and then I sent out some PM’s to the people on my friends list.
“Uhm Hey everyone this is Sarah, I’m kind of in a bind and stuff. I’ve got a psychiatrist and she sorta seems alright but it’s still scaring me and everything really bad. See she wants to see this, all of this stuff here on my LJ because it’s the only stuff of me that I have that is any record of me…I mean I don’t really have Shawn-time as me to go by as stuff that happened before in my life.”
“I think, I think I have to do this which means I’ll be friending her to my LJ page here and that there will be a Shrink and an Adult here listening in and stuff.”
“Goddamn it, that scares the shit out of me.”
“If you all need to block or unfriend me to like feel safe and all I get it, it’s really my deal and my bullshit that this is all about and stuff…no judgment from here if you need to bail.”
“But I think, I think that I need to do this.”

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 13

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 13

*Before…

Dad comes in and to the rescue with two of those flannel sheets from the heated thing he wraps one around Mom and he does this big hug and hold thing for her like he’s squeezing her back together and she grips his forearm like she’s hanging onto him…(Sniffle-wow…) and he unfolds it and sets it on the back of my chair and the heat…oh god it feels so good and there’s this relief-care-sob that comes out and Dad gives me this big hug not a hard one but just big and he holds me a few moments before kissing the top of my head.

“Breathe Kiddo, Breathe…it’s just a test, just an arbitrary thing it’s not you. It’s not a big thing.”

Breathe and breathe…oh…I can seriously breathe now…

(Sniffle.) “Thanks Dad, Thanks for the spoons.”

*And Now…

Masks Chapter 40

Masks Chapter 40

Chapter 40

*Before…

Dad nods. “Well here’s thanking those that look out for us and we’re thankful for the things we have both on the table and around it and guys…we’re thankful to the ladies for making everything aren’t we?”

There’s a chorus of thanks and agreement and Mandy’s beaming and then we all start passing food and plates and Mom starts us off by asking about our days.

Dad…he looks happy like this is the way it’s supposed to be and Mary Jane’s all content looking too with this sort of want/need/missed this expression and I get that and Mandy actually has the same expression only a bit more wistful looking and it reminds me that there’s a lot going on and not more than likely with my friends and I really do have it pretty good.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 12

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 12

*Before…

“Later’s and Satori?”

“Hmmm?”

“Thanks for today, it really helped and the offer it’s amazing.”

“Hai-hai.”

I smile as she logs off chat and I’m just staring at her page and then smiling as Mom and Dad come in and whatever they have smells amazing.

I’m drooling as he passes me a thing of heat up yourself ramen noodles and with it a Chinese take-out bowl filled with Hot and Sour soup.

And some stuff for me to do.

Right now happiness is Hot and Sour soup and crayons and a coloring book.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 11

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 11

*Before…

“Yeah it’s pretty much all gone and I’ve found myself here in this journal and with all of you…and even with my memory gone…guess what? I’m still trans. So I guess I’m still Sarah. And I’m like out to my folks.”

“I sort of had a major PTSD freak out inside the Scanner-coffin thing and I…Sarah came out during my panic attack. Thankfully my folks seem to be cool about it. The whole thing though is really scary and really messed up. I think so for all of us.”

“Well that’s about it for now, I really can’t think of much else to say or cover right now.”

I read it twice and then I hit post and I sit back and switch over to my You Tube to watch some videos and as I’m doing so I’m getting pings to my g-mail with replies to my post.

I’m really nervous as I click it over and start to read them.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 10

*Before…

I stare tears starting in the mirror and my hair’s awful and I’m not wearing make-up and thankfully I’m not hairy faced or have like shaving/beard shadow yet so I look like what I guess is what a lot of girls my age might sort of look like before they got their curves.
I look like Sarah, I look like I need a lot of work and getting this yet but just like this right now I’m looking at the right me, the real me.
The girl that can look in the mirror and not have it hurt.
And god oh god does it ever feel amazing for that to just feel like that and not hurt.

*And Now…

Masks Chapter 39

Masks Chapter 39

Chapter 39

*Before…
Lucy asks… “Uhm…what’s going on what’s with the…uhm… this?”
Mary Jane looks at me with this sort of sad for me and I love you smile all rolled into one which just pushes me towards tears really easily and it’s like super hard to keep them back. She side eyes towards Lucy and I nod and she slips her arm around Lucy’s shoulders and leads her to the girl’s bathroom.
“Let me tell you about my best friend.”
I’m just sort of there clenching and unclenching my hands and biting my lower lip…I’m really emotional and really nervous right now because they’re all going to be talking about me…
The day’s half done…the day’s half done.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 9

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 9

*Before…

He passes Mom’s hers and she does the exact almost same thing as I did and he picks up some bags from the floor that he brought in from Sears and Walmart and sets them on the bed.

“Your Mom and I agree that until you get home and can go through your things that I’d best make a pit stop for a few things for you so here you go. Now your Mom picked the sizes and hell she picked out most of this and sent me pics of what to get on the phone so if it doesn’t fit blame her. And the rest is stuff that I picked out.”

Oh…oh wow I look in the bags and it’s clothes and things and I can see packages of underwear and stuff and I look and look and look then I look at him and I look at her and I bite my lip.

“I…I don’t know if I’ve ever dressed like this before...”

*And Now…

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 11.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 11.

Chapter11.

*Before…

It’s my first time for that kind of kiss from someone that means it as a kiss.
So it’s a good thing when the feelings in your heart are stronger than the feelings in your body right?
We break the kiss and I’m catching my breath and Rudy looks at Sam. “Let’s go get cookin and we can let Morgan finally get to use her tanning chair and get some rest and Sun.”
“I kin grill?”
“Yeah, let’s.”
They leave and Rudy smiles at me and he walks out of the water backwards and his grin gets all teasing and devilish as he’d definitely sporting some serious arousal going on down there and I blush because he’s doing that and it’s pretty obvious if someone looks.
I sink down in the water some more to hide the goofy grin that’s there too because yeah, he’s showing off and stuff but he’s with me and he’s kind of showing off for me.
And that feels just.
Yeah I’m so happy hugging myself right now.

*And Now…

Can Dreams Come True?...Part 10

Can Dreams Come True?...Part 10

*Before…

“Josie, you want to go out?”
“Huh?” Blink, blink… “Like…?”
“Out, out of here, go for a drive, see some things…go on a date.”
“A date…with me?”
“Yes please.”
Oh…that, that yes please…Never, no one has ever…it.
Just two words said with real earnest just…I had no idea that two words could actually feel that good…

*And Now...

FTL-24...Faster Than Life.

FTL-24…Faster Than Life.

Chapter 24

*Before…

“Will you be alright tonight?”
I give her a look and she looks down and she bites her lip a little and she looks back up at me.
“Is that an invitation?” I ask...my mouth’s a little dry. I’ve really never and yet at the same time there’s just. There’s just something that’s sweet about Liz…and honestly I’ve never had the whole experience of meeting someone young and having us…well not outside of the Sims and VR-life.
“It is.” She swallows.
I swallow too. “Let me log in where I’ll take you up on that.”
I close my eyes and link to my OBC and tag my I.D. code to hers and then she sort of surprises me by taking my hand and leading me away from the mess and towards quarters and I’m actually a little excited and at the same time a little relieved.
I was worried what after all of this would bring after all.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 8

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 8

*Before…

No…honey not at all there’s nothing wrong at all about being trans.”
(Sniffle-whine.) “There’s not?”
“No, not at all…you’re a girl. It’s just a pronoun, it’s just one little thing about you.”
(Sniffle.) “But I’m…I’m like…”
She is wiping at my face with a tissue now and that helps and I see this soft concerned but actually caring and maybe even happy? How? How can she be happy about this?
Here hand strokes my face and she kisses my cheek. “You’re alive Sarah. You’re still alive.”
And I start crying all of over again and it feels like this deep aching dam of stuff inside that I couldn’t really articulate like right just kind of breaks in me and lets go with this flood.
………….right now, right friggin now I’m Sarah and i…I really have a Mom.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 7

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 7

*Before…

Though I did read me saying that “I’d love it but I’d never really wear it.”
I said that a lot.
Though I can see why.
I mean there’s a lot of me that I can see as Sarah seeing Shawn never being out of the way and that had to…and does…suck.
I can even sort of feel that much.
…….I want to be pretty, to just kind of walk and feel and be that person that I feel like inside.
I absolutely do not feel like a Shawn.
Actually I feel…I feel.
I feel like I’m going to panic because now I’m inside this thing and it’s small and it’s closed in and it’s making noises and lots of them and all of a sudden I’m not there.
I’m in the car and it’s rolling and it’s rolling and every time it rolls the air is getting redder and redder and I’m screaming and screaming and it won’t move! It won’t give I can’t get out and my back hurts and I can’t get out1 “Lemme go! Lemme out, please, please let me out! Help! I’ll be good! I’ll be a good Girl! I’ll be a good Girl!”

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 6

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 6

*Before…

I hug her back. “I’m different now aren’t I?”

I feel her nod in the hug. “Yeah, kind of a lot different but not…but I love you anyways.”

There’s something there…something kind of shining through. “Always?”

She sniffle nods.

“Good, cause I think I’m going to need that.”

“Shawn?”

I’m right there on the edge of saying…something, I don’t know what…but something and then the nurses are back in and with a wheelchair. “Alright Shawn you ready for your tests?”

Sigh.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 5

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 5

*Before…

I look at her. “I’m like my Dad?”
“Well with like that temperament and stuff.”
“Oh…”
I…I really don’t know how to deal with that or how to feel about it? I mean I’m Sarah right so I just kind of thought that I’d take after my Mom more or something and not my dad and I really can’t figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
“Surprised?”
“Y...Yeah kind of…it wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…I thought I’d be more like you Mom.”
I look at her and she actually has this really sort of surprised look on her face.
And…I’m really surer than ever she doesn’t know.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 4

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 4

*Before…

And there’s people that are there like me on my friends list and that are trans too and stuff and they call me Whisper or Wisp or Song but several of them…

They call me Sarah.

And even reading it, reading it with that inner voice inside…you know the one that goes on while you’re reading something and there’s that inside narrative thing?

It doesn’t feel wrong.

It doesn’t feel like Shawn.

And there’s tears starting to run down my face.

I think I’m really Sarah.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 3

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 3

*Before…

I…I don’t know what’s wrong but it’s wrong and I know she’s trying her best but I end up crying through the whole thing and even when she’s done I’m still crying and I roll over to my side as best I can and cry into the pillow.

I think she was rubbing my back at one point and trying to comfort me and she was replaced by Mom and there is something that is like maybe visceral there?

I know Mom’s touch, just from the way she was with me before I know the difference and I cry all the harder once it’s her.

*And Now…

Bridges 44

Bridges 44

Chapter 44

*Before…

She kisses me again… and I get my bags and we head outside from the motel she’s staying at and she’s going to drive me to the train and I hear her squeal. “Brandon!”
She’s running over to him and I can’t help but to smile as he’s there and he’s been waiting for us and everything leaning against his truck and drinking a coffee.
Him and me…the things we had and have and the stuff that’s still there between us and it’s all just this.
We’re not together, together and it doesn’t matter to him I don’t think. We still love each other and he shows it by doing stuff like this.
Having him be that guy for me, to be this unasked for rock of support. It means so much and I set down my bags and go over and join Cass in hugging our guy.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 2

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 2

Chapter 2

*Before…

I swallow. “Am I okay?”

“We don’t know, we’ll see what the doctors say Shawn.”

I nod.

That still just doesn’t sit right with me but what can I do?

*And Now…

Images-59

Images-59

Chapter 59

*Before…

Taylor’s with one of the guys that’s teaching the surfing and I sip my coffee and watch and then I set it down and see him actually get up on the board and ride it out for like fifty feet or sixty feet before there’s no room. It’s way cool he stayed up the entire time and I’m not sure that I could do that and I clap and cheer whistle at him when he’s done.
“Way to go honey, do it again!”
I see the smile on his face and the happy guy wave he gives me and him and the instructor paddle back talking and stuff. I see the guy look at me and it’s that checking me out look and something else and they do the guy thing hand shake once their sitting on the boards and riding the wave thing where they really aren’t going anywhere.
It’s so that guy giving the other guy props for his girl thing.
I actually don’t mind, he’s my guy and guys have their esteem things too….and Tay’s been knocked around just as much as me and I watch and cheer as he takes another wave and gets up on his board and I cheer him on and it’s good to see him just smile, doing something just for him and just smiling.

*And Now…

Sweet Dreams-59

Sweet Dreams-59

Chapter 59

*Before…

I look around the caf and it’s just a sort of morbid kind of curious look and I’m looking not at the kids around me in the whole popular side of things but over to what would have been me…you ‘know the loners and the geeks and the sort of like unpopular kids that don’t really fit the popular and semi popular high school tribes and I’m kind of looking for.
Yeah…it’s there.
I see them and they see me and some of them sort of do the don’t look right at it thing with me but some of them are doing the glare and don’t like me because I’m one of “Them” looks.
Sigh…fuck.
I knew it was bound to happen and yeah if I was a shitty person and all self-absorbed and shit I’d trot out the they’re just jealous crap but I’ve been there and they’re coming at this from places of being likely treated like dogshit by some of these popular people and stuff.
So…I’m going to need to change that.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 1

I see, sort of see everything spin and go free floating. We hit something and we’re flying, rolling.

I see asphalt and hopscotch squares but I’m looking up when I see them.

There’s a crash and red…so much red.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 1

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 1

Chapter 1

Beep…
Beep…
Beep…

My throat hurts…

There’s a flicker in the darkness… a jingle of keys? Seeing them falling slowly into a hand and a feeling of excitement.

I see a blue car, a muscle car and we’re all running towards it.

We…I’m with a bunch of guys getting in the back seat.

I can feel a forward pushing me back feeling going fast.

I don’t think there was any like drinking or stuff but there was yelling.

The screech of tires and a girl screaming.

Me?

Snakes and Ladders-34

Snakes and Ladders-34

Chapter 34

*** Shaya…

Things are coming together here in the fortress and it’s taking time doing so but it is happening. It’s slow going and we’re set to get more troops and people in here to take this place apart and to claim things back for the crown and to go over everything.

Wren’s plan is amazing but it’s a lot of work here on our end right now because we have to catalog and count everything here and that’s a task that is going to take a lot of time.

And then there’s the fact that I’m here in command alone and without Bhlaze with me and without my partner here, without the presence of my dragon there’s still the thing that I am still me.

As much as I’m Shaya…as much as I’ve changed and fought to live through the guilt over the things that I did…it’s still there.

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