So when my brother came over on Friday, he told us that his doctor had a lot of trouble finding a pulse on his foot.

Now, none of the reasons this could have happened are good news, but some are obviously worse than others, and I'm going to admit I'm worried.

So I'm taking all hugs and prayers anybody wants to send my way, and if you would include my brother in those care packages, that would be awesome.

Well, 57 years ago in the tiny Canadian province of New Brunswick, I took my first breath.

Many years later, I found this place, got infected by Jaci's girl germs, making me the crazy lady I am today.

Everybody have a huggle on me, and sorry for the girl germs, those are Jaci's fault!

Okay so yesterday, my PTSD got so bad, that while I was shopping with Sharon and Sam, I bought a plush toy to act as my emergency support helper.

She is a beholder (From D&D), and yes, she is in fact pink.(was there a question about that?_

Anyway she did a good job, but now, she needs a name.

Any suggestions?

If you're the praying type, please pray for me as I am struggling with a combination of PTSD and manic phase rage. If you're not, you could always send a huggle.

So last night, I had a rough dream, and I'm still struggling to shake it.

In the dream, I was at university, and I was being bullied by this guy. So I followed him to his home, and coldly threatened his family if he didn't leave me alone.

Now if I had just lost my temper and maybe hit him, it would be bad, but somehow this calculated anger was much worse.

And like I said, I haven't been able to shake the dream all day, maybe in part because I'm in the depressed end of my bipolar cycle.

Anyway, I'm looking for huggles, if anybody has some to spare.

I had an idea about my bipolar condition.

I think it is kind of the foundation for my other issues.

What I mean by that is that if for example I'm struggling with PTSD, whether I'm manic or depressed at the time will affect what symptoms I will have, and what strategies might help me get through it.

I think that means that I am going to have to try and be aware of where I am on my bipolar cycle whenever another issue is present, or I may not be as successful in coping.

Still got lots of work to do, I guess.

We got a message today that my dad's sister had passed away last month.

We had heard she was in hospice care, so its not a total shock, but I'm still struggling to process it.

See, I don't remember actually meeting her in person, even though apparently she came with her husband to visit us when we lived in Germany.

Mind you, the only things I remember about Germany was being fascinated to discover "Kindergarten" was an actual German word, and being confused about being asked to line up with the boys.

So yesterday, we got a bit of a refund from our taxes, so we decided to take care of a few tasks.

First, we got the oil and drive fluid on my car changed, because that was due.

Then we went to Canadian Tire and got one of the tires checked, and found out we'd picked up a nail, which is why the tire was going flat.

Then we went through a car wash, because some pigeons had taken their bathroom breaks on my roof.

Then, today, we got some groceries, and then helped Sharon get some groceries as well.

Yay for adulting !

"When Paths Cross 2" is up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/98140/when-paths-cross-2

Just wanted to give a big shout-out of thanks to all the people who took a look at my story.

I'm working on the edited version, and you guys have helped make that a lot better.

Hopefully I'll be publishing soon, and you guys can judge for yourself.

So I stood up to my stepfather last night.

Okay it was just a dream, but still . . .

I dreamed I walked back to the house we had in Calgary, and found him there picking on my younger self.

So I got between them, and told my stepfather if he wanted to pick on someone, he could try me, as I was his size.

He ran away, leaving me behind, calling him a coward.

Then I woke up.

I honestly am not sure how to feel about this dream, but I think its a hopeful sign.

Yep, my 14th anniversary of being on this site has arrived. (well, my account says "13 years, 12 months" but details).

Boy, things sure change in 14 years - which isn't really surprising, but somethings remain pretty much the same.

I still love reading the amazing writing offered in this site, and am always staggered to even be mentioned in the same breath as some of the talented writers here.

I am still the one who comments on a lot of stories, which I hope isn't annoying.

And I am still the one who is hopefully growing and improving as time goes by.

New little bit of nonsense up:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/97979/its-not-disease

I am not really sure why I haven't been blogging the last couple of days, but for anybody who is interested, here is an update:

I got my registration and insurance issues fixed, so I am back on the road, which is good news.

I took a heart stress test, and did very well, with my blood pressure well inside the normal range, which is also good news.

I've made some progress on my new Fluke story, which may or may not be good news, depending how you feel about that character.

So today was not the best day. I had just crawled out of my worst depression in decades, and then I got hit with a nasty bout of dysphoria

Once more, the simple reality that I will never be "pretty", never even get SRS, hit me right in the heart, and yet, because Mom and I were doing errands I had to keep pretending I was okay.

Sighs . . .

Be afraid.

Be very afraid . . .

Since I'm currently in a manic state, I figured I would talk about what being manic does to me.

See, unlike the depression part of my cycle, which is always kind of the same, each time I'm manic seems a bit different from the last.

Sometimes, when I'm manic, I become giggly like I had taken a serious hit of pot. (Its also when my girly girl side comes out most. That, of course, is Jaci's fault).

But sometimes, instead of that, I become irrationally angry at everything and everyone.

so for the last week, I've been dealing with a rather nasty flu, mostly settling into my nose and throat.

So when I tried to talk on Discord or on the phone, I basically had no voice at all.ge

Then yesterday, things managed to get worse.

I broke out in hives all over my back and belly.

I called the local health line, and they told me getting an allergic reaction to a flu virus does happen, and the best I can do is treat the symptoms until my immune system kicks out the flu causing the trouble.

Okay, so last night Jaci called me, and told me some people on Discord were rather concerned about me, since I hadn't been on in a while, nor had a posted a blog here.

I told her and the others I had gotten super focused on a stupid D&D thing I had been working on, and just kind of tuned everything else out.

But having had a night to think about it, that was only partially true.

See, last Thursday, a 16 year old boy killed 2 police officers, seriously wounded his own mother, and then took his own life here in Edmonton.

My entry in the "Abducted" contest is up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/97368/my-muses-tale-a...

So because Sharon has been unable to get a caregiver for Sam, she's going to have to come here twice a week on the days Sharon works.

On the one hand, I love seeing Sam, and I'm sure she's not unhappy to spend time with me and mom.

On the other hand, this means me getting 1 mental health day a week is going to be impossible, and I worry I am not going to be able to provide the activity level she needs.

I think she needs someone who can keep up with her, not a crippled Dad.

Well, we'll just have to do our best.