Negative emotions, I was trying to hide you all my life.
Pretending you don't exist which caused pain that could sting like a rusty, big knife.
Pain deep inside that I denied to let myself feel
What was the appeal? Which way did I feel?
Seeming happy on the outside that's what seemed important

But it was just an illusion, it was just for show
So people wouldn't know
How I really feel inside
But that is something I cannot hide
No matter how hard I tried
It hit me in the face
Where was the right place?

“Going on a date with the next pretty girl?” Mary demanded to know.

“It’s not a date. We are just going out for coffee.” I replied maybe a little louder than I intended to.

“Oh sure. That’s why you had that big smile on your face the whole time Lilly talked to you.” Mary insisted.

“Can a girl just be happy to make new friends?” I answered, starting to feel a little angry.

“Riley, come on! Don’t play games with me. I know you inside and out. You need to settle down. You are way too hyper while flirting with all of those girls.”

Freedom, oh freedom I was longing for you
Sitting alone in the dark, feeling so blue.
Pretending to be someone I didn't even know.
Stopping me from ever being able to grow.

Freedom, oh freedom what a crazy concept to think about.
I have been working hard to find you, feeling almost burnt out.
I was worried I will never find you, feeling empty inside.
I felt like staying in the dark, which was my only place to hide.

“Wait and see. I think that you are going to love it.” Alice said enthusiastically.

I was still confused but I decided to trust her. When she measured me, she was really close by. I could smell her deodorant which smelled like a waterfall warmed by the spring sun. I also noticed that my hands were a bit shaky. Feeling the warmth coming from her body felt wonderful.

What have I done? I simply got so excited about the dresses I found in the closet that I totally forgot they were not mine and that the owner, Alice, my new roommate, would maybe strongly disagree that I took the dresses and tried them on without asking permission.

“So?” Alice asked, seeming very angry and upset.

I simply could not comprehend what my mom was talking about. Maybe the attack on our family confused her?

"Mom, I can't go with Riley to Cherry Blossom Hill. Just like Riley pointed out, I have to go back to Oregon a few days later. Besides, what am I going to learn there, I already finished high school?" Mary asked my mom trying to figure out what she was up to.

"Riley, are you okay?" Mom asked me.

"Yes, why?" I replied, feeling a bit annoyed.  I wasn't annoyed at my mom. More at the situation.

"Who do you mean by Show yourself ?" my dad wanted to know.

"I don't know. I suddenly felt strongly that someone was watching me." 

"What if she is right?" Mary added, seeming a bit nervous and concerned.

"Then we will deal with it. Maybe we should go home now. It's late and cold." my mom suggested.

I woke up a little after 8 on December 20. Christmas was almost here. I was excited about today because my girlfriend Sammy, my big sister Mary, our friend Alyssa and I were planning on going to the German style Christmas market in town. The market had a cozy atmosphere and beautiful Christmas lights. 

We agreed to meet Angela there after her and I exchanged several texts. All my girls were super excited to finally meet the mysterious Italian dream girl. 

Trish waved me over to her and the other girls who were warming up by taking shots. I saw Mary walking in the other direction and talking to my soon to be opponents on the basketball court.

“How are you doing, Riley? Are you ready to play?” Trish wanted to know.

“I am not sure. I will try my best.” I said more to myself. I made sure the sneakers that I received on loan were tied well.

Trish briefly introduced me to the other girls. They all seemed very nice and friendly.

After my mom and I were able to calm down we sat down in the kitchen and talked about what just happened. My family discusses these kinds of things and does not let them fester and create more pain or problems.

“Mom, I am sorry for my reaction. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” I assured her.

“Honey, that is okay. I think I overreacted too. I just wanted to protect my baby girl.” she told me, looking a bit upset still while holding my hand for a minute.

“I understand. I promise I will be more careful.” I told her while squeezing her hand.

For a moment I wasn't sure what was happening to me. It felt like I was dreaming a bizarre dream. A dream where I am the main person but also just a bystander. It was simply a paradox. Impossible. But the drama was unfolding in front of my eyes.

Students and teachers came running to the hallway so that they could figure out where the noises were coming from. Sammy and her friends arrived first. They looked confused and shocked when they saw a boy who was wearing a football jersey lying in front of the lockers, screaming in pain and holding his bloody face.

Girlhood

Girlhood that’s what I want.
Womanhood that’s what I need.
Sadness overcomes me and sometimes has me beat.
Joyful I think about tenderness and beauty.
Warm and yellow sunflowers I feel in my heart my dear cutie.
An endless rainbow of hope as the sun rises in my heart.
Oh, how can the world sometimes be oh so dark?
Ghosts of the past come and haunt me on occasion.
I don’t need any more persuasion because I know what I want and know who I am.

The fire was almost dead. I was sitting on the living room couch, thinking about all the things that happened today. My head was still hurting a bit from fainting and hitting the table. Watching the fire die in our fireplace, it felt like something was ending. Randy was long gone. I was not upset about this. Well, maybe just a little bit. Riley was here now. She will not go anywhere. I knew that was for sure.

“How are you, babe?” Mary asked me gently while softly squeezing my hand.

I smiled at her and nodded.

My mom, Mary and I got up simultaneously and all three of us walked over to hug my dad. I was so proud to be his daughter. A little more crying happened and after a short while, we settled back down.

“Okay girls. We need to get ready for shopping soon. Mary, I will give you some money too so you don’t feel treated unfairly.” mom announced.

“Hooray! I am not going to say no to that .” Mary said excitedly.

“What about your friend Samantha, Riley. Maybe she wants to hang out at the mall with us?” mom asked me.

“Let’s get going, ladies.” Alyssa said seeming excited. I could feel butterflies in my stomach. All three of us looked fabulous together. We decided to take Alyssa’s car.

The beginning part 9 – Confessions

At first, I felt unsure how I got in my bed. Then some faint memory came back where I remembered Mary taking me by the hand and tucking me into bed. I looked at the alarm clock and saw that it was only five after seven. I recalled last night’s events which made me smile. Warm and fuzzy feelings overcame my body while thinking about reuniting with my best friend, my sister Mary. Being aware that she has always known that I am a girl made me feel ticklish inside. We are sisters and always will be.

After we were driving for a while, everybody seemed tired and therefore the talking stopped. Mary fell asleep after her long flight. Her head leaned on my shoulder while she was sleeping. I gently touched her hair and face and whispered: Get some nice rest, big sis. Soon we will be home. Dad seemed tired too and it was slowly getting dark. I felt so happy and loved in this very moment. My best friend, mentor and role model was finally with me again. I have been feeling more and more confident since I met Sammy and her friends.

I rang the doorbell and Sammy opened it rather quickly. She smiled at me, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Hi Randy, thanks for coming.” Sammy said excitedly.

“Thanks for inviting me.” I replied happily.

I woke up at 7 the next morning. Without an alarm. I was very excited about my date with Sammy. Soon she would be here. I went to the bathroom and then back into my room. I sat down in the nice armchair right next to my window. It was still dark and I enjoyed the silence. I usually do this on a Saturday or Sunday morning. I like to be alone with my thoughts. I missed Mary a lot this year. We were never separated this long. When she was still in high school she had a busy social life but she always had time for me.

The Beginning – Part 1 by Anna Olivia